I have no idea why I feel compelled to share this with the blog sphere because this has a great potential to be embarrassing for me but none the less I need to free these emotions. For the next 53 days I will be left in limbo. Three hours ago I submitted an application to finish up my undergraduate at
Case Western Reserve University, and I am over come with fear. I have always felt a huge inadequacy when it comes to education. I never did very well in school and struggled with Math especially. However, I never study like I should have or proof read my work because I would get so frustrated at my skill level that I would throw a mental fit and give up. Well now the consequences for those choices are coming back. This school has pretty high scholastic expectations, in my opinion, for undergrads and I might not make the cut.
I know that for me finishing my education is of huge importance and has been stressing me out for the last few years. But the bigger stress was what if I didn't make it. What if I wasn't intelligent enough to get my degree, to accomplish all the work required? What if I was just a scholastic failure? This has been a crippling fear for me especially in this application process. I have grown 'comfortable' working in low end jobs with little room for growth and low scholastic requirements.
At my last job there was little if any disparity in my education and those of my superiors for they only had a Bachelors in most cases. At my current job this is not the case. All have received Bachelors, most have Masters and some even have PhD's. The disparity is staggering to me. Their ability to compile professional documents at a drop of a hat, the professional manner in which they handle all written communications has been humbling and intimidating to me.
So now I have jumped off that safe ledge of inactivity into the world of responsibility, and I am not sure how I feel about it.